I feel like there should be a graveyard for lost potential. Something like
"here lies my broken dreams of my future"
"my hopes of love and family"
Because honestly, that's what there was in my relationship. Almost four years of hoping one day we'll start a family. That ring I used to wear on my finger, symbolizing we were going to become a family and have a future together.
Instead, the future I had envisioned lies broken at my feet. Hours of crying and trying to place blame, behind me yet somehow also in front of me because I can't seem to let go.
I had a plan, you know. I always had a plan. You were going to be this savior, save me from myself and from turning into some horror story repeat that is my family life.
You knew my history, how bad I wanted to not turn into them. You knew how bad I yearned for unconditional love. Maybe that's all it was in my head, a dream. I'm not sure anymore and I hate that. You were so far in my head that everything I think now, I have to second guess. I've never second guessed myself to the point that I feel crazy.
But is this what breakups do? After four years and suddenly we go to being strangers? This isn't some high school drama, this is my adult life. I thought we were in for the long haul. Marriage, a house, kids. Fucking life.
You freaked out. Maybe this isn't what you thought. Maybe I was rushing. We're young, but we started out young too. We almost went military. I think I'm glad we didn't. Because if you would've left me after moving across the country/world, I don't think I would have been even semi okay like I am now.
I still miss you. I wish I had old messages to read, when your still loved me at least. You were probably feeling free when you were in the navy for those five weeks. Maybe that kick started it. I don't know.
I'm not okay with this. There is no guide or manual personalized for each person. People say to stay busy, but I can't even manage that. At least in my dreams you still love me, still want to be with me.
Maybe I'm not meant to be loved. But I still want to thank you for your time when you did love me. I'll always treasure it.
Maybe one day you'll be able to look back on me and say "she sure was something...fun in the beginning, even if she did get lazy towards the end. But damn did she love me." Because I do love you. I know I've said it before, but I don't think you understand.
When someone who has been practically abandoned by everyone she cares about with familial ties says she loves you, she's tossing every single worry or terrible thought she's had about the consequences of loving you to the wind and saying you're worth it. That you won't back out. Won't walk away.
But this time you did. You may have been with it. The hugs, the times you just held me. Those long kisses on cold nights. The dancing under the moon. Movie nights. Stealing the blankets from you just to hear you grumble. I will love and treasure those moments forever. Simply because you took the time to show me your cared.
So please, next time you look back on our time together... remember my smile when we were together. It's one that I'll probably never have again.
Thank you for loving me. For giving a damn about me when I felt no one ever would because no one probably will again.
I love you.
